


Would You Change This Time?

by donniedont



Series: Memes & Melancholia [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friendship, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Suicide Attempt, Sickfic, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:03:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donniedont/pseuds/donniedont
Summary: Dimitri is desperate for a distraction on a particularly difficult anniversary.  When he gets in on plans with Claude and Hilda to visit the city, he finds himself in over his head.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Series: Memes & Melancholia [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605781
Comments: 20
Kudos: 76





	Would You Change This Time?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ethereally](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethereally/gifts).



> Hey, Eth! Thank you so much for your support! Here's a fic based on our absolutely wild AU. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much to Ashe for taking the time to read this!
> 
> To other readers, welcome to Trans Chat AU! It's a college AU with the premise of various FE3H characters being trans and having a Discord server they hang out in. I will add fics to the AU as I feel like it, so stay tuned if you enjoy this one!
> 
> **Content Warnings:** References to past suicide attempts, references to past attempts at self harm, a scene featuring auditory hallucinations, depiction of a character dry heaving

It took walking out of class on a gray Monday for Dimitri to remember that the anniversary was coming up.

He stopped short in the middle of the sidewalk, hearing someone make a snide remark before they walked around him. He shuffled toward the grass, taking his phone out of his pocket to check the calendar.

This coming Saturday. He sighed and put his phone back into his pocket. He wasn’t even sure this was a date that stuck with him. It wasn’t like it was the first time he made an attempt, it wasn’t the last time, and even if he wanted to embrace optimism, he had a feeling it would happen again. Regardless of that inevitability, Saturday would mean another year passed. He was still alive, even if there were sections of time in his life that he didn’t want to be.

He knew how to deal with this by now. He had to keep himself distracted and hope that it was enough to keep himself firmly in the present. 

He walked back on the sidewalk toward the direction of the dining hall. Until then, he was going to meet up with a friend for lunch, find a corner in the library to work on his readings, and go back to his dorm hoping that somebody would be around to hang out until he was so tired he would have a few hours of dreamless sleep.

He arrived at the dining hall, exclaiming, “Dedue!” as he found his friend sitting on a bench. Dedue got up, walking over toward him and slipping his headphones off his head. 

There was a brief moment that Dimitri stared at him, trying to remember how to interact with someone while trying to not think about how there were probably plenty of timelines that they never met. 

“How was class?” Dedue asked.

“It was…” Dimitri filed through possible descriptions and shrugged, “...it was class. You know?”

Dedue’s eyes narrowed for the briefest moment. Dimitri gulped and said, “Uh, let’s get inside!” before he marched into the entryway and passed his student ID to the staff member.

They made their way down to the dining area, joining the line of students who had just gotten out of class. They leaned against the opposite sides of the ramp, Dimitri flashing a nervous smile before he asked, “Do you have any plans this weekend?”

Dedue’s eyes lit up as he nodded his head. “Oh, yes. I am going home to see Ines’s spring musical. She’ll be busy, so I’ll probably spend most of the time with my parents. Why?”

Dimitri pressed his lips together. “Oh, well,” he said, “Uh, don’t worry about it. Please tell Ines I said break a leg.”

“Are you sure?” Dedue asked.

Dimitri gripped the railing he was leaning against. There was an assumption among their friend group that Dimitri was the intense one and Dedue went along with it. It just wasn’t the truth. Dedue was quiet, but focused. If Dedue knew the truth that he would find a way to work Dimitri into it. But the thought of having Dimitri’s first time spending multiple days with Dedue’s parents during an anniversary like this was too much. “Yeah,” Dimitri said, “I’m sure. I’ll ask someone else to hang out.”

“Let me know when you secure plans,” Dedue replied. Dimitri tried to deny that his chest swelled at the sentiment.

*

Dimitri sighed as he opened the door to his floor, walking down the hall and stopping in front of a partially opened door. “Hey, Claude, are you here?” he asked into the room as he knocked on the doorframe.

“The one and only,” Claude replied. He was sitting at his desk, his laptop set up with a book in his lap. “Working on a paper. What’s up?” He turned on his chair, a smile on his lips.

Dimitri sighed, latching his hand around the strap of his backpack. “Oh.” He took a deep breath. “ Claude, do you have any plans this weekend?”

Claude looked up at the ceiling for a moment, making a clucking noise with his tongue. “Hm,” he said, “Uh, I think I made tentative plans with Hilda about going into the city. You could definitely get in on them if you’d like. Does that work?”

“For Saturday, right?” Dimitri clarified.

Claude nodded. “Oh, yeah, for Saturday,” he confirmed. He faced his laptop and closes it before he turns his chair around. “Take a seat. Help me make a plan.”

Dimitri sat down on the gold shag carpet that took up the spot between Claude’s side and his roommate, HIlda’s. Dimitri checked her side of the room and saw that her bag and one of her pairs of shoes were missing. He wondered if she would be coming back soon enough to confirm if Dimitri was truly welcome to be in on the plans. 

Claude leaned back on the chair, propping his leg up on the foot of his bed. “Is there anything you would like to do in particular?” Claude asked.

Dimitri sighed, flopping across the carpet. He drummed his fingers against his stomach, biting the inside of his lip. “I mean, what do you do in the city?”

“Is that a serious question?” Claude asked. Dimitri found himself frozen in place, unable to confirm or deny it. He heard Claude shift in his chair before he said, “I mean, there’s just a lot of stuff. Aren’t you from here? Like, what have you done when you’ve visited?”

Dimitri closed his eyes, trying to comb through his memories. He went to a few museums when he was in grade school, though he couldn’t quite remember which ones. There were a smattering of stage productions he went to with Edelgard and his parents, but he wasn’t entirely certain if there was anything he would want to see, let alone appeal to Claude and Hilda. He took a deep breath and said, “Uh, I don’t know. I’ve never been able to do much touristy stuff.”

“Oh, fair. I’m sure Edelgard is not someone interested in going to anything super kitschy, right?” 

Dimitri nodded. It felt easier than trying to provide any detail. He could feel that he was on the verge of potentially revealing way too much. 

“So what do tourists like to do,” Claude muttered, “I mean… they like musicals, which is too much money for me right now. We can go to the top of one of those really tall buildings, but that just seems kinda boring to me. Hilda will definitely not go through an entire museum, so we may want to save that for a time we can go out to the city one on one. What else, what else, what  _ else _ …”

“We could go to that M&Ms place,” Dimitri blurted out, “I feel like all the tourists walk around with those yellow bags. It has to have something going on.”

Claude hummed before he said, “I mean, sure. We could do lunch somewhere and I can see if Hilda has any other ideas. So we have a plan!”

“Yeah, I guess we do,” Dimitri replied. He checked the date on his phone and sent a quick text to Dedue to tell him that he had plans.

*

The weather report for Saturday said that it was going to be another gray March day, but at least it wasn’t going to rain. Dimitri wore a hoodie with his lined denim jacket over it, refusing to wear his winter jacket anymore. Claude was not as proud, content to wear a puffy jacket with every possible winter accessory. Hilda was content with a stylish pink coat with every accessory complimentary to it. 

“Are we  _ really _ going to the M&M store?” Hilda asked, punctuating it with a yawn. 

“ _ Yes,  _ Hilda,” Claude said, shifting from side to side. He craned his neck down the train track, trying to spot their train out in the distance. 

Dimitri stepped away from them, staring down at his feet. He bent his ankle, dragging the side of his shoe against the concrete. The train whistled and he looked up, watching the train slow down at the station. The door opened an they got on, ambling toward the front to try to find an area that they could comfortably fit all three of them. They located a seating area for four people and sat together, Dimitri facing the window as Claude and Hilda sat together and began talking about what seemed like anything and everything. They changed topics so quickly, Dimitri couldn’t keep up, so he stayed quiet.

He didn’t dislike Hilda. He worried that he did toward the beginning of the year, but he was able to figure out that just because they were seemingly incompatible outside of the fact that they both Claude’s closest friends at school. He found himself resigned, understanding that he could not try to wedge them apart. 

The conversation eventually petered out, the three of them on their phones. Claude recently set up a group chat and invited everybody they knew who was trans. It was on some app that he didn’t really know how to use, but he liked reading the different channels that were set up in the server, which was apparently what the chat was called. He backread the general chat, which was predominately comprised of one of its members, Linhardt, updating everyone about their research on theme park accidents.

“Did you read the report about the fucked up coaster that had two trains collide?” Claude asked.

Dimitri frowned as he nodded. “Yeah, that was really sad,” he replied.

“Your chat is so weird,” Hilda grumbled. 

Dimitri finally looked up from his phone, ready to shoot a glare at her until he realized Claude was watching him. Dimitri furrowed his eyebrows as Claude smirked and said, “It’s a trans thing. You wouldn’t understand.”

Dimitri rolled his eyes, even if he couldn’t help but laugh. At least he was in on the joke. 

The train got more and more crowded with each passing stop. Eventually, the entire train car was full, people standing in the aisle and a rambunctious child taking the open chair next to Dimitri. Once he had exhausted potential theme park content from Linhardt in the chat, he tried to discretely watch the child, who was bouncing around in their chair and babbling. He was grateful that the child was too occupied with their iPad to ask if he was a boy or a girl or why he had an eyepatch on. 

He realized two stops out that he hadn’t had a meltdown yet. It wasn’t that he had forgotten about why he desperately needed to be a part of these plans. Memories were pressed against the edge of his mind, ready to shatter him at a moment’s notice. He just had to do what he could to make sure that didn’t happen.

The conductor announced that they were about to arrive at their final destination and Dimitri realized that he couldn’t remember anything concerning the last part of the ride. Hilda and Claude were still on their phones, so at least they weren’t trying to talk to him. The train stopped and they tried to leave the train onto to get caught in the throng of people that were crowding the closest staircase. Dimitri scoped out a staircase just behind it and gestured toward it before he pushed himself out of the crowd. Claude latched onto the hem of Dimitri’s jacket as Hilda stayed close behind. They rushed up the stairs and spilled into the concourse, which was full of travelers idling with luggage or checking the departure schedule displayed on a massive screen toward one end. They found a sparser corner and stood together, Claude tapping his foot before he asked, “Are we ready for M&Ms World?”

Dimitri looked away and Hilda brought her arms over her head before she asked, “Can we get some coffee first? You made me get up before eleven on a Saturday, so these are the consequences.” 

“That’s fine, let’s try to find a place that isn’t a Starbucks,” Claude replied, already on his phone. He nodded at his screen and pointed a direction. He took them several blocks away from the station, locating a small cafe that required them to walk to the basement level of the building. 

Hilda charged toward the counter as Claude sighed. “I was gonna offer her a drink,” Claude said, “Oh, well.” He pushed his hair back and asked, “Do you want anything?”

Dimitri located the menu hanging behind the counter. It was a light shade of paint laid over a piece of pale wood that required too much emotional energy to read. He knew that he probably shouldn’t He could hear his group therapist’s voice scolding him for even considering ingesting a stimulant. He just wanted to give himself the chance to come off like a normal college student to Claude and Hilda. The type that drank coffee and went into the city to have fun with friends, as opposed to going to group therapy and overanalyzing every interaction he ever had. 

“Uh, can I get a latte?” Dimitri asked. He hoped he didn’t delay his response too long.

“Sure, any specifics?” Claude said, shifting his weight to one leg.

Dimitri shook his head. “I’ll, uh. Go find us a table,” Dimitri said. 

The cafe was entirely empty, but Claude still nodded his head. Dimitri found one close enough, sitting down and waiting until Claude and Hilda came to him. 

Claude passed his drink over toward him and Dimitri took tentative sips of it, grateful that he couldn’t taste as Hilda complained about how bitter hers was. Even then, she continued to drink it. 

“So do either of you have spring break plans?” Hilda asked.

“Marianne is taking me in for the week,” Claude said, “I thought I could try to swing a trip back home, but I just got too much work.” 

“Oh, I didn’t now you would be with Marianne…” Dimitri murmured.

“Yeah!” Claude exclaimed, “She invited me. I was totally surprised. What are your plans, Dimirimi?”

“Oh… well…” Dimitri started. He found himself blanking out. He had been so focused on surviving each day, he entirely forgot that he had to factor in spring break. “Probably just hang out with Felix, Ingrid, and Sylvain. Assuming they don’t have any other plans.”

“You should see if Marianne will let you get in on the plans,” Claude suggested, “It could be a lot of fun hanging out with all three of us together like that.”

“Oh, I don’t know… I’m sure you would get tired of me for that long,” Dimitri mumbled.

Hilda tossed her head back and sighed dramatically. “I just wanted to brag about my trip!” she whined.

“I know,” Claude said, “I just… hold on.” He leaned in toward Dimitri. “I don’t know about Marianne, but I definitely would want to spend that time with you. We spend, like, every day together already. So don’t say that.”

There was a burning in Claude’s eyes that Dimitri rarely saw. It was more direct than Claude typically was, even after their fair share of late night conversations and exchanges of kisses along each other’s necks. 

“I’m sorry,” Dimitri replied. He gulped before he added, “I’ll speak with Marianne when we get lunch together on Monday.” He shifted his body to better face Hilda. “Uh, Hilda. You said you have a vacation planned? I would like to hear about it.”

“ _ Thank you _ , Dimitri,” Hilda said, rolling her eyes at Claude before she went into an itinerary full of sandy beaches, clear water, and every expense paid. Dimitri tried his best to listen intently, trying to remember the last time he was at the beach. If he would ever  _ like _ the beach or if it was conditional to the company he was with.

Hilda eventually bored herself with the topic, launching into complaints about a class that she had to take for her general education requirements. Claude nodded his head intently enough an Dimitri drank his latte until he found himself tipping his head back to finish it. Claude and HIlda finished theirs soon after.

Claude and Hilda continued their conversation, Dimitri finding the topic rushing away from him right before he found a potential opening. It wasn’t like he could blame them. They had a connection that was deep and far more complicated than Dimitri would ever truly know. There was a deep fear inside of him that one day Claude would sit him down and tell him Hilda and he were going to get together and Dimitri was never going to be able to spend one on one time with Claude ever again. He swallowed the fear, knowing that if he let his mind wander through these types of scenarios then he was going to give into the despair he was desperately attempting to outrun.

“C’mon Dim-Dim,” Claude said, “We’re heading out.”

Dimitri nodded, throwing his cup away and shoving his hands in his jacket before he followed the other two out. Claude reached for his arm and cupped his hands loosely around it. It made him think of romantic period pieces his stepmother watched whenever he was home, but he was afraid to tell Claude. Hilda walked ahead, turning around and rolling her eyes at Claude as she pulled directions up on her phone.

The store was located in a central tourist area. The crowds expanded, their conversations loud and typically featuring people providing directions, confirming reservations, or scolding exhausted children. The noise consumed Dimitri, making his skin vibrate, the buzzing filling his ears. He stiffened, Claude snapping his head toward him. He said something, his lips moving and a buzzing noise coming out. Dimitri shook his head, hoping it was a yes or no question. Claude said something else, the buzzing overly enunciated before he looked ahead again.

Dimitri took a deep breath and curled in over himself, attempting his best imitation of feeling a chill. Claude rubbed his hand against Dimitri’s arm and murmured something, the buzzing as concerned as it could sound. He nodded his head again and hoped it reassured Claude about whatever he was worried about.

They arrived at the M&Ms World, the building white with massive windows wrapping around it. Outside of some decals laid across the windows, it looked like a typical multi-level store. 

Claude and Hilda buzzed at each other before Hilda opened the door, the three of them entering the building. The scent of artificial chocolate flooded Dimitri’s nose and he winced. He looked around, finding himself overwhelmed by the neon lights, high wall fixtures, and displays featuring statues of M&Ms riding taxis and cleaning windows. They do a cursory walk throughout the first floor and then went upstairs, where they were greeted to a winding wall of plastic tubes full of colorful M&Ms. A child was excitedly pouring purple ones into a container with their parents while Claude let go of Dimitri’s arm, running toward a t-shirt display with Hilda following close behind.

Dimitri looked up at the tubes, shuffling toward them.

He knew he had to get out of this state. He couldn’t tell if he was nonverbal, but he didn’t care to confirm. He stopped in front of several rows with different shades of blue M&Ms and stood there, staring at each shade. 

He grabbed a container and brought it under a tube that featured a blue that looked close enough to his eye color. He pulled the lever, listening to the candy shells bouncing off of each other as they spilled into the cup. He didn’t stop until he got to the top of the container, getting a top to seal it off and tucking it under his arm until he grabbed another container and brought it to a deep blue. It reminded him of a pea coat that his stepmother bought him when he came out to her. He wore it constantly until he grew out of it. It was probably still in the back of his childhood bedroom’s closet as he was too sentimental to get rid of it. He pulled the lever, listening to the candy hit the container and closing his eyes briefly. He snapped them open when he realized he didn’t want to make a mess, bringing it away from the tube and sealing it off as quickly as he could. 

He got a third container and placed the other two near his feet, dragging them toward a teal that reminded him of Dedue’s eyes. Dimitri wondered what he was doing at home. He was certain that he was enjoying himself. Dedue had taken the time to send him a photo of his family dog licking his cheek, his face too blurry to quite make out his features. 

He shook his head, putting the container down and reaching over for another container. He brought it toward a blue that looked like the same shade as the jeans Claude was wearing and filled it, not even noticing Claude leaning against the wall and raising a shirt.

Dimitri squinted at the text, forcing his eyes to focus and make out the text that said “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands” with a rainbow encircling it.

“I’m thinking about making it my pride look,” Claude said. Dimitri almost cried with relief when he was able to make out the words even if there was still an undercurrent of buzzing.

“It’s quite funny,” Dimitri said, each word taking effort to make a sound and actually form words around. 

Claude furrowed his eyebrows. “I wanted to ask you earlier, but are you okay?” Claude asked, “You’re looking a little…” He gestured at his own face until he looked down at Dimitri’s feet. “Wait, are you buying all these M&Ms?”

“Yes,” Dimitri replied. He grabbed another container and began to fill it with a blue that was a shade similar to the lining of Felix’s family pool.

“Please tell me you’re only getting the blue ones,” Claude said.

“That’s all I plan on getting,” Dimitri replied. He could hear how flat his voice got when he felt like this. He tried so hard to hide this side of himself from Claude, always knowing to disappear into his room before he got this bad. He wanted to just--

He gritted his teeth. He couldn’t fall back to that mindset. He wasn’t the same person who tried to die on this day three years ago. He fought so hard to be able to go to school, let alone away from home. He followed every stipulation his family set up for him, attended every therapy appointment, took every phonecall from his parents by the second ring. He couldn’t fall apart again.

“Wanna go to check out?” Claude asked, “I can help carry your stuff.”

Dimitri nodded, passing two containers to Claude. Dimitri carefully carried the rest, hugging them close to himself. Claude grabbed Hilda and they went to the check out counter, Dimitri taking the shirt in Claude’s hands and adding it to his purchases. He passed his credit card to the cashier and taking the oversized bag. He looked into the bag and back up at Claude and Hilda. He was feeling the vibrating under his skin again and he found himself terrified that everything was going to stop buzzing again.

“Uh, I’m sorry, but… I think I need to go back,” Dimitri said, “I can go alone, it’s fine, I promise…”

Hilda’s face was tight, but she shook her head. Claude leaned closer to him and said, “Hey…  _ hey _ . We’re not letting you go on a train alone if you aren’t feeling great. Right, Hilda?”

Hilda pressed her lips before she said, “Yeah. Seriously. If you gotta leave, it’s fine. Let’s head back to the train station.”

They made their way back toward the train station, Dimitri trailing behind. No one seemed to say anything, Claude occasionally turning his head back to make sure that Dimitri was close behind. 

They were able to get on a train without having to wait too long, finding another four person seating arrangement. Dimitri tried to shove himself into the corner against the window, staring at his phone. There were a few messages in the trans Discord server, but he felt wrong commenting on anything with Claude sitting across from him. He eventually put his phone in his pocket, bringing his fingers toward his lips and tugging at flakes of dry skin. He felt blood in his mouth and kept his mouth covered, unsure of the damage he just wrought. He pressed his lips together, opening up one of the containers and shoving the M&Ms in his mouth.

The good thing about M&Ms was that there was a texture to them. He still couldn’t taste them and in all honesty was so focused on the colors, he wasn’t even certain what flavors he got, but at least he could chew on something and have something to make him want to eat it, unlike most options. He wordlessly shoveled them into his mouth, unable to look at Claude or Hilda in the process. He focused on a spot on the floor, chewing and swallowing as the train crawled through each stop until Claude tapped on the chair next to him and said, “Hey, our stop is coming up.”

Dimitri looked up, hastily grabbing his bag before he followed them out of the train. At least Hilda and Claude were talking with each other. He couldn’t even be mad that he was not in on it. He began picking at his lip until he caught himself and decided to resume eating M&Ms to keep his hands occupied. They got to their dorm, Hilda saying goodbye and neary running to her room. Dimitri gripped his bag, willing himself to look into Claude’s eyes. 

“Uh, well. Goodbye,” Dimitri said, turning his heel and making his way toward his room.

“I’m coming with you,” Claude replied, launching himself forward to Dimitri’s side. 

Dimitri felt his stomach lurch and he gulped. “You don’t have it,” he murmured.

“I don’t. But I want to,” Claude replied. 

Dimitri stare ahead, feeling his stomach flip again. He walked to his room, unlocking it and letting Claude in before he tossed the M&Ms bag by his bed before he flopped across the bed, Claude sitting at the foot of it. 

“Let me know if you need me to do anything,” Claude said, “I’m not, like… the best at it, but… I don’t mind trying.”

“Why?” Dimitri asked.

“ _ Why _ ?” Claude hissed.

Dimitri wondered if this was it. This was the moment he officially pushed him away. But his stomach began to roil rapidly and he ran, covering his mouth as he rushed toward the bathroom. Claude yelped, yelling, “Ah, shit,” as he followed Dimitri into the bathroom. Dimitri opened up the handicap stall and leaned into the toilet, dry heaving. He began to tear up, but nothing came out. He slammed his hands against the toilet, yelling incoherently. He heard the stall door open and close and he turned around to confirm that Claude was there, sliding down on the floor with him. 

“Do you want me to touch you right now?” Claude asked, “I can keep your hair back…”

“ _ No _ ,” Dimitri snapped. 

Claude sighed. “Okay. At least give me your eye patch.”

Dimitri leaned back hooking his fingers on the elastic of his eye patch. He passed it back toward Claude, facing the toilet again to continue to hack into it. When nothing came out he groaned, slapping the side of the toilet again before he leaned back, laying down across the tile. The cold against the back of his neck was comforting, almost soothing if not for the hard surface. He latched his fingers under the hem of one of his sleeves and he whined, not even caring that tears were falling awkwardly along the side of his face. 

“You should leave,” Dimitri hissed, “I already ruined your day. There’s no point in dragging you down further.”

“What would actually ruin my day is if I left you here when you’re clearly struggling. I get that you don’t want me to help you. But I also can’t just leave you right now.” Claude crossed his arms. “So if you want to talk, talk. But I’m staying here regardless.”

Dimitri took a breath as deep as he could. “I just…” he started, but he didn’t even know where he was supposed to. Part of the reason why he cherished his relationship with Claude was that he never asked too much of him in terms of his past. He was able to exist in a way that he couldn’t with anyone who knew him before he started college. Claude didn’t have to fear him, because he didn’t know the constantly swirling rage that lurked below his skin at all times. He tilted his head toward Claude, who didn’t flinch when he moved.

“I just…” he tried again, “...I’m… today is an anniversary of something that… happened to me... three years ago. I desperately needed a distraction, but underestimated how I would react to it. I shouldn’t have gone with you.” He felt sweat begin to collect on his forehead. He knew that removing his layers would help, but he didn’t want to confirm whatever was going through Claude’s mind. He wiped at his forehead, hoping he was subtle enough.

Claude leaned over, reaching out. “Take off your jacket. It’s probably making you feel worse,” he said.

Dimitri sat up, feeling his stomach roll again. He launched toward the toilet, dry heaving again. 

Claude shifted, his hands hovering over Dimitri’s shoulders. “Come on,” he demanded.

Dimitri gulped. He shifted his arms back, guiding the jacket into Claude’s hands. Claude placed it on the ground, reaching out again. 

“Look, I already figured something is up with your arms,” Claude said, his voice quiet, “I get that you’re dysphoric and you’re not going to, like, rip your shirt off whenever we make out or whatever, but… you sleep in long sleeve shirts.”

The bathroom door opened and the two of them froze, waiting until the person was done and had the door closed behind them. Dimitri yanked his hoodie off, nearly getting caught in the sleeves until he pushed it off of him. He glanced at his forearms and sighed, pressing them against his thighs and hoping he could hide them a little bit longer. The cool air was a relief against his exposed skin, his stomach calming down slightly.

“Thank you,” Claude said. He balled the jackets up toward the door. Dimitri leaned back, grabbing the jackets and balling them under his cheek. He stared at one of his forearms, watching the way that the scar tissue pulled against his skin before he brought it down, slipping it under his jackets. 

“I haven’t done anything since I’ve gotten to college,” Dimitri said, “And whenever I want to, I do exercises or call my therapist or something like that…”

Another person walked in, the shower curtain opening. Dimitri groaned and Claude sighed as the water began to run. Dimitri looked up at Claude, but Claude’s face was unreadable. His eyes moved as if he was trying to read something. Dimitri gulped and added, “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.”

Claude shook his head. “Dude, you’re one of the most honest people I know.”

Dimitri sat up. He shut his eyes, waiting for his stomach to settle before he said, “I’m not, though. I didn’t tell you the truth and…”

Claude raised his hand. “I don’t know about you, but I consider those two different things.”

“You do?” Dimitri asked.

“Yeah, like…” Claude leaned further against the wall of the stall, “...I know we call you a human puppy a lot in the server, but it’s true. You’re honest in the sense that you are so damn…  _ earnest _ . It’s endearing. I never feel like you’re trying to pull one over me or anyone else. Sure, you don’t tell the truth in the sense that you don’t just tell me what’s going on or you don’t provide context, even if it could give you some sense of relief, but… I don’t hold that against you. It sounds like you have been through some shit.”

Dimitri felt tears welling up again and he wiped them away. “Oh. That’s what you mean,” he said.

“Yeah,” Claude said. He pushed his hair back and sighed. “I mean, if we’re being real right now, I’m the opposite. I tell the truth. I’m pretty good at that. But being honest? Not happening.” He sighed, leaning back. 

The water coming from the shower shut off. Dimitri balled the jackets under his head more and he looked up at Claude. He never knew how to handle when someone said things positive about him. It was far easier for him to accept the bad things he was told. He could handle being called a monster, hold it close, and believe it, but the moment someone said he was anything but, he became terrified. It just meant that he hadn’t hurt them yet. But if Claude could look at this piece of him and not run away, maybe, just maybe, he could believe it.

“Anyway,” Claude said, “You ready to get back to your room? We’ll just keep your garbage can by your bed just to make sure.” He passed Dimitri his eye patch.

Dimitri nodded, slipping it back on before he got up and wrapped his jackets around his arms. He followed Claude out of the stall and into the hallway, Claude placing his hand on Dimitri’s shoulder. 

“One more thing on the topic,” Claude said. He rubbed at Dimitri’s shoulder gently. “I don’t  _ need _ the truth. I think it’s bullshit to ask people to do that for you if they can’t. But you still have to be able to tell people when you need help and how that help needs to look like.” 

They made it to his door and Dimitri unlocked it, the two of them awkwardly walking into the room together. Dimitri tossed his jackets on the bed post and laid in bed, Claude dragging the garbage can before he tumbled in bed with him. Dimitri placed his hands against the sides of Claude’s face, trying to ignore that he could clearly see the old scars and dark pigmentation along the inside of his arms. 

“I need you to slap anything caffeine out of my hands,” Dimitri said, trying to maintain eye contact, “It makes me… freak out. So just remind me to not even bother. It’s not worth it.” He felt a burp coming on and he tried to ignore the sound that came out from the back of his throat before he added, “Maybe make sure I never eat an M&M ever again.”

Claude placed his hands over Dimitri’s. “Easy enough,” he said, “Can I just ask you to do one more thing?”

Dimitri nodded. “Oh, yes, of course,” he said.

“Apologize to Hilda, dude. You were dealing with stuff and I don’t want you to feel bad about that, but you should probably acknowledge her time and all that. Is that fair?”

Dimitri felt his hands slide until Claude caught them, keeping them in place. Dimitri took a deep breath, genuinely trying to consider what was being asked of him. “I can do that,” Dimitri said, “I should do that right now, honestly…”

Claude sat up, leaning forward to grab one of the containers full of M&Ms. “Well, here’s a plan. We got all these M&Ms you have just declared yourself banned from eating. So let’s get Hilda here to help eat some of these and you can apologize to her then.” He grinned, shaking the container and added, “Oh! I’m going to message the chat! We can make a party out of it!”

Dimitri sighed. “Yeah, sure. As long as no one minds me laying down,” he said.

“I’m sure no one would care,” Claude said. “I’ll go grab Hilda now.” He put the container back on the ground before he reached over toward the bed post. He grabbed Dimitri’s hoodie and passed it over toward him. “Here. If you want to put it back on,” he said.

Dimitri stared at his arm again and looked up at Claude. “Be honest,” he said, wincing. “Be… truthful, I guess. Would it be distracting if I didn’t?”

Claude pressed his lips together. “I mean…I think a few people might notice. But they’re old. They look old. I think the worst thing that can happen is that people know that you’ve gone through some shit. So I guess it’s up to you?”

Dimitri stared at his arms. He twisted his wrists around, staring at every mark, self inflicted or otherwise. He thought about how his day went and how hard he tried to hide that he had been hurting. How he briefly considered giving into despair again. He got up, leaning in toward Claude, and kissed his forehead. Claude said, “ _ Oh _ ,” softly, but stayed close. 

“I’ll ask Hilda to come over,” Dimitri said, pressing his forehead against Claude’s. He kissed Claude’s forehead one more time before he carefully moved around him to head toward the door. He glanced at his arms one last time before he twisted the knob, making his way toward Claude and Hilda’s room. He knocked, Hilda yelling, “It’s open!” He gulped, opening up the door and seeing Hilda laid out across her bed, scrolling through social media.

She glanced at him, raising her eyebrows. “Oh, hey, Dimitri,” she said, “How’re you feeling?”

“Better,” Dimitri said, “Uh… I wanted to apologize for today. I was trying to distract myself from something and I ended up impacting your day negatively because I couldn’t keep myself in check. That wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry. I will do what I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Hilda put her phone down, staring at him. “Huh,” she said, “I mean… thanks, Dimitri. I appreciate it.” She took a deep breath, her eyes trailing toward a spot just over his shoulder. “I mean, if you feel like shit, just let me know. I don’t want to push you to do anything if it will just make you upset. So let us know when you start feeling off and we’ll work from there.”

Dimitri pigeon toed his feet, bumping the front of his shoes together. He could understand having to be vulnerable enough with Claude, but the thought of having to open himself up for someone who he wasn’t close with was terrifying. Even then, he tried to remember what Claude said. He could be honest. He didn’t have to tell Hilda all of the truth. “I will try my best,” he said, “I would also like to invite you to my room, because I have way too many M&Ms and Claude wants to invite everyone over. So… you’re welcome to as many as you want.”

Hilda laughed. “Wow, you sure know how to apologize,” she teased. She sat up, bringing her arms over her head and stretching. “Yeah, sure. I’m gonna invite Marianne. That cool?”

Dimitri nodded. “Sure, I would love to see her,” he said. “Uh, shall we get going?” 

“ _ Shall _ we,” Hilda said, giggling, “Wow, you’re such a Disney prince sometimes.” She got up typed furiously on her phone.

Dimitri bit the inside of his lip. He felt far from a prince of any sort. He felt more like a creature that was cobbled together by mindfulness exercises and scar tissue. But he had to find a way to make himself realize that was enough for the people he wanted to keep in his life. It was enough to want to be alive.

“Let’s get going,” Hilda said, getting up and putting on her boots. Dimitri followed her out. As they approached his room, they heard chatter. When they pushed open the door, they were greeted to every M&M container opened up and lined up along Dimitri’s desk with paper bowls set up toward the end. Several members of the chat were already there, including Linhardt and their best friend Caspar who had couch cushions set up along the floor and were talking to each other, Caspar with a handful of M&Ms in various shades of blue and Linhardt already laying down across a pile of pillows. Another member of the chat, Bernadetta, was content on the bed, carefully eating each individual M&M and nodded her head as Claude chatted with her. 

Everyone dropped their conversations to greet them. 

“Hilda! Grab some!” Caspar suggested.

“Heads up, the light blue ones are white chocolate,” Claude added. He made eye contact with Dimitri, his face uncomfortably neutral.

“I…” Dimitri started, trying to pull a memory to anchor his statement. He found one and said, “...I like white chocolate. Do people not?”

Linhardt lifted their head to sneer. “It’s way too sweet,” Linhardt said. 

Caspar shrugged, popping another handful of M&Ms into his mouth. Bernadetta scrunched her nose and shook her head. Hilda stuck out her tongue as she poured teal M&Ms into her bowl. 

“Well, my apologies,” Dimitri grumbled. Claude opened up his arms and guided Dimitri between his legs, wrapping his arms around him. 

A phone started vibrating and Hilda grabbed hers, bringing it to her ear. “You downstairs?” she asked. She grinned and said, “All right, I’ll go sign all of you in.” She hung up and said, “It sounds like Marianne, Felix, and Mercedes are downstairs. I’ll be right back.” She put her bowl to the side before she left. 

“Leonie said she’s going to stop by after her shift,” Claude said, “So let’s make sure we save some for her.” He tightened his grip around Dimitri and asked, “So did you and Hilda clear stuff up?”

Dimitri nodded. “Yeah, we’re good,” he said. He leaned into Claude, bracing himself as the two of them pressed up against the wall. 

“And how are you feeling?” Claude asked. He brought his hand against the side of Dimitri’s face. 

Dimitri shrugged. “I think I’m done being on the verge of vomiting,” he said. He leaned into Claude’s touch, closing his eyes.

“Well, that’s something,” Claude said. 

They stared at each other, a twinge developing in his lip when he wanted to kiss Claude. He settled for leaving a brief kiss against Claude’s neck, Claude snorting as the door opened, Hilda leading the latest guests in.

“M&Ms on the desk!” Claude said, gently moving his arm enough to gesture toward it.

“No thanks,” Felix said, dragging the desk chair to sit near Bernadetta. In terms of Felix interactions, it was probably one of the milder ones. 

Marianne and Mercedes made their way toward the desk, the two of them chatting quietly as they filled bowls with candy. 

“Do you want me to check you out?” Mercedes asked Dimitri.

Dimitri shook his head, feeling his cheeks warm up. “Oh, no, I think I’ll be okay. Thank you so much, Mercedes,” he said, trying to hide his face in Claude’s side.

Marianne took her bowl and walked toward the edge of the bed. 

“Wait, wait we can fit you,” Claude said. Dimitri lifted his head off of Claude as Claude rearranged things on the desk. “Sit on the top of it,” he suggested.

Marianne eyed the desk nervously before she got up on the bed and sat on the empty space on the desk. She popped an M&M in her mouth, smiling contently. “Oh! It’s a white chocolate one!” she noted.

Dimitri grinned as Claude groaned. “Not you, too!” Claude exclaimed.

Marianne shrugged. “I like white chocolate,” she said. Dimitri began to snicker as Claude took a deep breath. “It’s fine. It’s cool. I’m outnumbered, but whatever,” he grumbled. He adjusted Dimitri in his arms, forcing him to sit up straighter. “I told Dimitri about our spring break plans.”

Marianne craned her neck, taking a handful of M&Ms and chewing on them slowly. She swallowed and asked, “What about it?”

Claude shook Dimitri’s shoulder and Dimitri rubbed at his eye before he said, “Oh, uh. Claude suggested that I ask you about joining in. I understand that it might be a bit short notice and that I’m essentially inviting myself over, so it’s really no big deal if you don’t want me to…”

Marianne’s eyes widened. “Oh! I just assumed you already had plans!” she replied. She put her bowl down next to her and nodded. “You are absolutely welcome. We have enough room in my adopted father’s car. It’s a long drive, though, so just be prepared.”

“Marianne and I were going to make playlists the night before,” Claude said, “So feel free to join us.”

Dimitri looked at the two of them, unable to resist smiling. “Looking forward to it,” he said. Marianne’s lips quirked into the slightest smile and Claude hugged him tight. He hummed potential songs to himself as he fit himself comfortably against Claude.


End file.
